Coming out of my funk

A week and a half before I was to submit my thesis, my supervisor let me know he was going on sick leave for at least 5 weeks. (Corey: “This really is the thesis from hell”). The first week, I celebrated my liberation, as it was better than mourning the delay and frustration. I got my hair cut, I went shopping, I went out with some friends, I did things I had been waiting to do ‘after my thesis’. But really, I haven’t done much since March 23. Largely I blame my department, they didn’t get in touch with me in any way to provide guidance, support or to check in… and after a week ignoring it, I had difficulty finding out who would be helpful and was passed around when I did get around to trying to find out what I was supposed to do.

Yes, I’ve been working six days a week, I got a place in a community garden right beside my building and started my seeds indoors, and I went home for almost a week to help my parents move, but I have been rather unproductive. I took my meds intermittently as my routine quickly disappeared, and was off of them completely for about ten days, which made work more interested for the people around me.

I realized my job sucks… I used to enjoy the mindless ease of it, but when I’m not occupying my mind with my research and writing, I feel rather purposeless. I realized at one point that I had been feeling really low for a number of days, and it came down to that the biggest concern of my day was how I looked for work… that sucks. So, I emailing some of the people I have previously worked with to see if they needed a volunteer – curiously, I was either turned down or not responded to by all of them, which is a good thing, because if I stop ignoring it, I still have a major project to do!

Last week I got word that my supervisor will be on leave until September, and my department finally started making arrangements for me (though they still utterly failed in the communication of those arrangements). I went home for an extended weekend, came back, started taking my meds again, and am now working things out with the professor who was recommended as my new supervisor and the professor for whom I will be working as a TA.

I finally did the research and found out Ottawa has a longer growing season than I expected, and so this morning I spend a few hours installing chicken wire around my garden plot to help discourage the bunnies, groundhogs, and raccoons… I hope. My seedlings are doing alright, I think they just need to get outside, the peas need something to climb, the cucumber needs room to expand. I will try to rake the hay they had covering my plot and work in the compost tomorrow, and maybe even plant on Wednesday.

I have started biking to work a few times a week – its about 20 minutes, with a couple rolling hills and one major overpass that always makes my legs burn. But it has not been so warm that I arrive all sweaty… I don’t think I will be able to bike to work for many more weeks – even at a humid 25 degrees, I don’t like the idea of not having a shower before I put on a dress or suit for my shift.

However, I am also in an insomniac cycle. Sleep issues and ADHD go hand in hand, and I don’t know if its my getting back on meds, all the organizational thoughts about getting the house, garden, thesis, etc back in order, the busy weekend at work, or what, but I am getting a broken 4-5 hours, even with melatonin supplements. I’m hoping that settles itself out soon. While sorting out the garden, I am psyching myself up to look at my thesis… I haven’t seen it in six weeks, it needs a good psych up.

Happy gardening to all, and to all a bright spring!

Thesis minus… 30 days…

So – My thesis is not done. And its OK. … I think…

I was working on my conclusion, had finished my chapters… I wasn’t entirely happy with the last chapter, but I figured I would just wrap it up in a conclusion that left the questions open for further exploration in another project.  I was working on getting all my references in order and starting to fix titles while I waited for my Supervisor’s feedback.

I went into the department on Tuesday, cornered the grad studies administrator and said “Hi, I’m interrupting. How many copies do I need to submit, and why do I need to submit them on March 1 if I don’t defend until the end of April or beginning of May?” And, after receiving no reply to my two previous emails, hearing about the vague answers other students have gotten from him and serious issues getting details from him when trying to register – he gave me a very pointed, straight forward answer.

March 1 is not a firm deadline, it was a recommendation to encourage students to get their butts in gear early. The review committee needs at least two weeks with my thesis before my review (which will be scheduled for 2-3 weeks after I submit), and there needs to be time after my defence for me to many any necessary changes and have them reviewed before the end of term if I am to graduate. Basically, if I get it in my April 1 I should have no issues, but I can submit it at any time and my defence will be scheduled, the longer I wait the less likely it is they can get the committee together in time for Spring convocation, but April 1 will be fine.

GRAH! Finally a straight answer, but you couldn’t have let me know this before I took extra time off work to push for March 1? You couldn’t have let me plan to present on one of my thesis chapters at the conference mid-march? You couldn’t have just let students know that they can submit at any time?? We’re grown ups! We’re grad students! I think I can handle the concept of “committee needs time to review before defence, student needs time to review after defence.”

That afternoon, I talk to my supervisor. His feedback (After apparently having some words with the department administrator that morning, explaining why I got such a clear answer), was that I needed to flesh out some of my concepts in Chapter 4 – like, I’m skimming over a lot of substance without even referencing the recent literature…. I need to address these. ‘ That, and he could tell I was bored by the writing process by the way I was writing (which makes me think he can hear my voice a little too well in my writing).

Cue Roller-Coaster.

Tuesday: YAY! No problem, I will use my couple days off not formatting and working on conclusion and finishing up, but researching and hammering out some of the areas I was concerned about – this would be awesome! Maybe an extra week, but that’s really only because my Supervisor needs time to review – I would be done the bulk of this by March 1 anyway, the extra time was for details, no worries. I would still be ‘done’ by the weekend, can get back to real life, enjoy the conference next week and celebrate the end of this project with a friend coming into town, WOOHOO!

That night, talking with Mister – maybe I should just put this whole thing aside for a whole month, give myself a mental break, so my conferences, work, get back to house stuff and grocery shopping and doing normal life stuff. Maybe I should take the summer semester to finish, but I am really bad at coming back to projects once they’ve been put aside, I want to get onto other projects and I would feel guilty as long as this one was unfinished. Its not that much work, I will lock myself up for the next couple days and hammer this out! (issues getting to sleep trying to figure this all out).

Wednesday: I’m scrapping Chapters 3 and 4 entirely. I need to do weeks of research, oh god can I do this for April 1?? Mega vent session with another girl who is pushing through like I am – we compared anxiety symptoms, shared out concerns over the daily glass of wine/rye and coke/vodka cranberry that seems to accompany our evening editing sessions, talked about all the things that have been put on hold, made each other laugh over the various prioritization and planning breakdowns we have had. Then I talked to my supervisor again – Chapter 3 can stay, Chapter 4 is in the right direction, it just needs filling in with the recent arguments from the authors I use in earlier chapters and others who are working on these concepts, to ensure that my own argument critiques them in the right way. K, Go home, get to work! (Got home, did nothing).

Thursday:  I’m going for a workout today. I may even go shopping. I will do some reading, but I have a month. I can breathe. I need to breathe. I can read slowly, write little sections as I go, Supervisor and I will get together Friday or Monday and go over specific details, and I can relax! The bulk of the project is done. I can focus on my conferences without guilt, I do not need to take more time off work – I can do this.

“I can do this, I will do this – this will end.”

This is my mantra.

Supervisor says I am perfectly thesis-neurotic.

 

Thesis minus 7 days

Chapters One and Two have been reviewed and discussed with my prof, have been fixed and sent back for a second review.

Chapter Three is done and in for review.

Chapter Four was written, but written while I was sick last week… when I re-read it today it hurt my head. Tomorrow I will rewrite it and send it in for review.

My Introduction has all the ideas down, they just need to be connected and made nice.

My Bibliography is half done, needs to be finished.

My Conclusion will be written last.

I have seven days to have this project finished, reviewed, fixed, reviewed and submitted. I work five of those seven days.
And I’ve lost interest. This is the boring part. I have figured it all out, I have gotten the basics down on paper, the novelty of the challenge has worn off, and I just have the tedious details to do. Its really hard to focus on something I’ve gotten bored with. I spend time sitting in front of the screen, just staring at it… and then I get tired of sitting in front of it.  I’ve failed at a Bloons Expert level 13 times in the last two days while I was not working on Chapter 4!

And it really feels like spring – the sun it out, the snow is melting, its warm enough to be outside without the big heavy jacket… this is the kind of weather than makes me want to be outside, exercising, running errands, living!!  I’ve put off living long enough – I want a hair cut (its been eight months), I want to do groceries and cook (Marc’s been great, but its not the same), I want a clean house (the boys have tried, they need me), I want to read books for pleasure and not be always thinking about the same thing!

One week of boring tedious details… then freedom, sweet sweet freedom…

(I do wonder how long it will take me to get bored and miss school… but I think it will be a while…)

2nd day no meds

Saturday, at work, I really thought things were happening early…. I opened at ten, and it felt like my server arrived early, customers arrived early… took me a while to realize that’s because we always open at 11, but on weekdays I open at 9 – I had less time that I usually do before people arrive. However, I had not adjusted my routine (arrive at work with breakfast packed, eat breakfast and start the newspaper while the cleaner vacuums, go set up for groups when he’s done, then come back, have tea, take my meds and finish the paper). So I ended up taking my meds at around 11:30am whereas I normally take them no later than 10:30.

I was up til 3am.

So, I slept in on Sunday, and didn’t take my meds on Sunday.

Today, I woke up at 9 (don’t get jealous, I work evenings) , had breakfast and went to take my meds… but couldn’t find them! Mister and Corey helped, we each took a turn in the kitchen, bedroom, living room, then we looked under the couches, I searched my bag three times… maybe they fell out at work on Saturday (in which case, someone should have returned them to me Saturday or Sunday, but no one did, and I didn’t see them Sunday), maybe, hopefully, they fell out in Mike’s car when he gave me a ride home. Maybe someone at work swiped them, they do have a decent street value… that would really suck… and I know I can’t get more from the pharmacist because they are restricted and I don’t think I can get in to see my doctor within the next two weeks…. I have only 15 days to finish my thesis… what am I going to do???

So I carried on this morning, struggled through the last of the papers I had to grade, got myself ready, dropped off the papers at school, hung out with Tessa, went to the bank and dug out my… MEDS???

I emptied my bag, I looked in there three times… how were they just under my wallet!??!

Lesson 1: When I’m not on meds, get Mister to look everywhere, don’t let me take charge over the area the meds are supposed to be!

Rar. Thats a great way to make myself feel dumb, useless and like I cause trouble for those around me.

However, not all of today was so frustrating. All morning, and a few times since I’ve come home, Mister and Corey have just burst out laughing at my responses or reactions. Apparently when I’m off my meds for a couple days, my impulsiveness comes back full force, and my thoughts seem to those around me to be a lot more random than when I am off meds.

Lesson 2: This is what it feels like to be a four year old – you are happy everyone is laughing at what you say, but you really don’t understand why they are laughing…

Accurate Characterization … (?)

I briefly saw my thesis supervisor today. He said my first two chapters are “Brilliant, but slightly lacking in direction.”

I’m perfectly okay with this statement; having not given him an introduction, the two chapters are historical and theoretical overview without really saying what they are building to, nor are they focused on a particular goal. Further, I do not know what my actual goal is, because in an attempt to keep myself interested in this project throughout the entire process, I did not do the last stage of research or figuring it all out! (which has, not surprisingly, had both the effects of keeping me interested, and ensuring I do not know where it is all going!)

This evening, I told Mister and Corey what my supervisor said. Mister enthusiastically responded, “That’s just like Pheeny!”

At which point Corey joined in, and, in unison, they repeated “Brilliant, but slightly lacking in direction!”